I hate the days I wake up angry.

My head runs full of conversations that either I’ve already had or need to have. I imagine saying the worst things and behaving like a dangerous monster. The swirl of thoughts overwhelms me, and stopping them feels impossible.

Many times, when I wake up feeling so enraged that I can’t see any color but red, I’ll choose to stay home. Too many times, I have struck out at people on those awful days. Some of the damage was irreparable.

On other days, I use my anger for strength. I pick a task I need to handle and let my inner fire inspire courage to tackle what needs to be done.

So it was this week that I fired one of my tax clients. After over two years of trying to help them improve their bookkeeping methods, I reached my breaking point. The person consistently showed no respect for my time or for me as a person.

After weeks of fruitless emails, phone calls, and several absolute (and missed) deadlines, it was clear the client would always cause unnecessary stress. So, I fired her.

I was polite, explaining my reasons, but firm in my decision. While other emails went unanswered for weeks, she called within 60 seconds of my sending the last email. By then, it was too late.

Once I draw a line in the sand, I refuse to budge. I'm a bit stubborn that way.

Sometimes you have to protect yourself from the damage of other people’s poor choices. One of my work colleagues loves to say, “Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.”

Isn’t that the truth?

Too often we let ourselves get sucked into other people’s messes. We feel obligated to help Humpty Dumpty put himself back together, even when he knew he never should have been on the wall in the first place.

The older I get, the less power I have to rescue everyone. There’s not enough energy to be the superhero I once pretended to be.

Now, I cut the drama out of my life. I tell those creating unnecessary stress that they need to go away. Age has taught me that their problem doesn’t have to be my problem.

Part of living with a mental illness is learning how to protect yourself. Providing safety often means reducing the anxiety-causing things in your life.

Often, the biggest stressors are people. When they continue to cause you pain, they have to go.

A piece of me is sorry the client is upset, but I’m not disappointed to see them go. There’s not enough money to justify all the stress they were causing me.

My job is to protect my mental health, even when others don’t understand my decisions. The same is true for you.

Time has also taught me that often I’m stressing when the client doesn’t care. I’m willing to chase off that drama, even if it costs me my job.

Some people are drama magnets, but those people are terrible for your mental health. When possible, you need to distance yourself from the chaos. We already have enough of a tornado spinning in our brains. Who can handle more?

If there’s something in your life causing you unnecessary worry, it may be time to get rid of it. Sometimes that means ending relationships, but that’s okay.

Taking care of yourself is always the most important thing. If you can’t remain stable, then life becomes meaningless.

So do what you must to protect yourself. Then pick up your toys and move on.

Many of you are still suffering from the effects of recent storms. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

2024 Change Update

I exercised four days this week. I’m choosing to focus on the win rather than on the pumpkin pie I ate. Anyone else a pumpkin addict? It’s my favorite part of fall.

Featured Post

I’m back in tax season until October 15, which means sleep is an issue. This week’s featured post (below) explores how bipolar affects sleep and includes tips to help you sleep better.

Scenes from My Yard (and house)

After the storms (and weeks of drought), the wildflowers and mushrooms are back. The heart is a Himalayan salt lamp my sister surprised me with this week.

Reader, it makes me smile to see you show up every week. Thank you for being part of the Speaking Bipolar community.

Until next time, keep fighting.

Scott Ninneman

Featured Post:

Bipolar and Sleep: How It Messes With You

When I tell people without bipolar that I didn’t sleep for two weeks before being admitted to the hospital, they don’t believe me.

“Come on,” they’ll say. “No sleep in two weeks? The results would be catastrophic.”

And they were.

I was little more than a growling animal when the door of the hospital locked behind me.

Sleep is vital for good mental health, and this is especially true with bipolar disorder. The problem is bipolar will do all it can to keep you from sleeping.

The sleep problem

Insomnia is a constant issue with bipolar disorder. Even when I’m doing my best, there are often nights where I either stay awake or only sleep for a few hours.

The issue with bipolar is your mind deceives you about how much sleep you need.

For example, if I don’t sleep one night, the next day is tough, but I can still function. I rarely have to cancel my plans.

When I don’t sleep the second night, it’s a little more obvious. My eyes betray me with black circles, and I feel like I’m dragging through everything.

Experience has taught me it’s essential for me to sleep on the third night. Occasionally, I can’t break the cycle.

Something in my brain shifts when I’m still awake around the 72-hour mark. My fatigue goes away and the need for sleep disappears. Mania wakes up and takes over the show, and things only get messier from there.

If I’m not careful, I can go several more days without sleep.

Bipolar disorder and sleep are like fickle lovers. It feels like I’m constantly fighting between sleeping too much or not sleeping at all.

What follows are three ways bipolar disorder can change your sleep patterns.

1. Mania

​Mania, for me, is the biggest thief of sleep. Even hypomania will fill me with endless energy, meaning I work much longer into the night than I should.

Many times, I’ve spent the entire night writing, doing a household project, or having a video game marathon. When one of my favorite games came out, I played for 60 hours straight. This is not healthy behavior and a terrible idea with mental illness.

2. Depression

When you’re depressed, it’s hard to do much of anything. You may lie in bed or surf the sofa for days at a time. You would think all that time resting would help you reset, but sometimes it has the opposite effect.

Since your muscles are not getting any activity, there’s nothing to make you tired so that you sleep soundly. The sleep you get fails to restore your body. When you wake up, you often feel more restless than ever.

The cycle can quickly drag from days into weeks.

3. Anxiety

When I have too much going on in my life or someone causing me unnecessary stress, my mind runs wild.

​Anxiety will keep me awake, either ruminating about all the conversations I’ve had in the past or worrying about all the ways things can go wrong in the future. Prolonged anxiety makes me see the worst-case-scenario in everything.

Anxiety keeps you tense, and a rigid body doesn’t rest well. Intense or long-lasting anxiety can also trigger mania. Then, as mentioned above, you may stop sleeping entirely.

With bipolar disorder creating all these sleep issues, is there any way to sleep better? Here are a few suggestions that help me.

Monitor your sleep

The first step to improving your rest is to monitor how you’re doing.

I didn’t realize how little I was sleeping until I got a smartwatch. After a few weeks of wearing it, I couldn’t deny the truth: I was sleeping about four hours a night.

With the proof in black and white on my phone, it was time to change my habits. As with most things, knowledge is power for tackling bipolar disorder and sleep.

Once I knew I had a problem, I looked for ways to improve it. Besides my smartwatch tracking my sleep, I also returned to my health journal. I made notes on what I was doing and eating and when. After some time, I looked for trends where things tied to how well I slept.

Knowing the things that help you sleep, you can make more room for them in your life. Many find help from calming teas, practicing mindfulness, and yoga.

Trying yoga

To be honest, most of my life I thought yoga was nothing but froufrou science. Yeah, it looked good, but I doubted it really benefited anyone.

Then I woke up one morning with a throbbing pain in my right shoulder. Both my chiropractor and massage therapist worked on it, but neither could provide any lasting relief.

Desperate, I turned to YouTube (isn’t that where we all go for health advice? 🤔) and discovered Man Flow Yoga. I liked Dean Pohlman’s teaching style, how he was welcoming to middle-aged men, and how he only taught the poses and none of the spiritual stuff.

I signed up for a 7-day trial and got to work with the Absolute Beginner’s program. At the end of the week, I noticed two things: the stretching helped improve the soreness in my shoulder, and I felt more peaceful. My sleep felt more restful, and I woke each day with more energy than before.

You can try Man Flow Yoga (Friend Link) free for 7 days.

Schedule sleep

Another tool to improve your sleep is to keep to a schedule. That means going to bed and getting up at consistent times every day.

As much as I once loved sleeping until 10:00 (or noon 😴) on Saturdays, I now get up at the same time I do for work. The bipolar brain thrives on routines. The more I stick to a sleep schedule, the more often I sleep.

For me, the most important part of a sleep schedule is getting up at a consistent time every day. Hard as it is, I’ll force my butt out of bed no matter how tired I am. I know staying in bed only leads to worse insomnia in the night to follow.

I won’t pretend it’s easy. It’s a fight nearly every morning to get up, but I know how much the routine helps me.

In the end, it’s up to you to take care of your mental health, so do what you have to do.

Walking

Another activity that helps me sleep better is walking. It seems to be especially useful if I can walk outside.

I find some benefit from using my elliptical machine in the house, or even just pacing back and forth in the hallway. The best results follow the times I walk in nature. It seems to have two benefits.

One, walking outside consumes energy and gives you access to more oxygen. Tired and relaxed muscles are more likely to induce sleep.

Two, a nice outdoor stroll also helps clear your brain. Bipolar disorder will often fill your head with endless thoughts on repeat. The distraction and fresh air outside helps to calm the spinning in your mind. Walking is often when I get new ideas for content to write and figure out how to fix a problem at work.

While you’re outside, keep your phone in your pocket. Let your mind get lost in the scenes around you or in conversation with a friend beside you.

After a while, every step frees you from the things that are weighing you down. Usually, when I finish a walk, I feel a little lighter.

Good sleep takes effort

Sleep is a frequent problem with bipolar disorder, but there are things you can do to improve. Track your sleep and look for trends. Pay attention to what helps you, and take some time to walk in nature.

You may not sleep well every night, but by making good choices, you will sleep better most nights. Improved rest is a powerful tool in managing your stability.

(Note: I wrote this post while walking, another benefit of putting my feet in motion.)

Until next time, keep fighting.

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Additional Reading:

• ​Bipolar Life: Be Careful Not To Trigger Yourself​
• ​Confronting the Challenges of Bipolar and Dissociation​
• ​To Help Others You Only Need to Be One Step Ahead​
• ​Why It’s Important To Take Care of Yourself First​
• ​Archive Newsletters​