One of the most frustrating parts of bipolar life is when your mind spirals into darkness in the blink of an eye. It can be a perfectly sunny day, birds singing, flowers blooming, when suddenly a switch gets flipped and all the good disappears.

Mostly, I try to keep the content here positive, but the realities of mental illness include many negative days. Here’s what I wrote Wednesday morning while getting ready for work.

A Cartoon Image with Papa Panda smiling and ironing a dress shirt while Little Bear sits on a nearby counter playing with his stuffed giraffe — The day started fine. | Image made by author with OpenArt.

“There’s a relatively new person in my life, someone I’ve known less than two years. He would tell you that we’re friends, but he has been anything but kind to me.

“This man believes mental illness is a hoax, and the one time I made a mistake of being vulnerable around him, he blew it off like it was nothing.

“Here’s what people without bipolar disorder don’t understand: we are exhausted. All of the time. And how could we not be? Every day is a fight to distinguish fact from fiction, to force a body to move when it wants to do nothing, and just to stay alive. My motto is “keep fighting” because that’s what it really is. If you’re not fighting, you’re losing.

“With all of this exhaustion comes a sense of fragility. Often it’s the littlest things that break us. The tiniest of sentences or the perceived ghosting from someone we thought cared about us.

“When news broke this week about Robert Carradine dying—another one of us bipolars losing the fight—I couldn’t help but think about how fragile we are. We’re not ‘snowflakes’, but rather beautiful lead crystal vases teetering on the edge of an unstable shelf. We’re strong as stone if we can stay in place, but if someone rocks that shelf, we can’t help but fall to the ground.

“Most days, I can shove those negative voices from my mind, knowing those people are close-minded. But other days, like today, it pisses me off. Because those people who think that we are nothing and that our fight is only made up fiction, they are killing us. Too many of us are dying because the people who should believe in us do not.

“The ‘friend’ mentioned above should be a confidant. He should be someone I can turn to when I’m feeling low. Instead, I have to avoid him like the plague because I know he will only make things worse. His toxic negativity is like sticky tar that will coat me if I stand too close. He doesn’t care about me, not really. All he does is create unnecessary earthquakes in my already unstable life.

“This isn’t positive, but it’s real. It’s how I feel.

“Living with bipolar disorder is hard. Some days it’s so overwhelming that breathing feels too hard. When we get out of bed, it’s something that should be celebrated. Loved ones should acknowledge how hard we’re fighting. We should have parades because we’re doing everything we can to stay in this war no matter how difficult it is.

“If you’ve been going through something similar, know that it’s okay to cut these toxic people out of your life. Maybe you can’t cut them out completely, but you can stop being vulnerable around them. Stop sharing your deepest truths and speak to them only about the weather. They deserve nothing else.”

As if the universe were speaking to me, I saw this quote on Instagram a few days later:

“People are like books: some deceive you with their cover, and others surprise you with their content.” - Oscar Wilde

What’s most frustrating was that Wednesday started like a good day. I had energy, jumped out of bed, and was in the middle of ironing my shirt for the day when the shift in thinking hit me like a lightning strike. Rather than looking forward to a productive day at work, suddenly I wanted to blow up the world.

Triggers can set off these massive mood shifts. Sometimes it’s a thoughtless word from a friend, a reckless driver cutting you off in traffic, or an unexpected rainstorm. Other days, there’s no clear trigger. Your brain simply makes a connection between thoughts and throws you into Gloom and Doom Land.

Photo of purple crocus flowers blooming among brown leaves — Seeing these crocuses in my yard helped turn things around. | Photo by author

What triggered me? I’m not sure. My guess is I started thinking about Robert Carradine. It breaks my heart whenever anyone takes themselves out of the battle, but it feels especially devastating when it’s a celebrity. Too many times, when a famous person quits the fight, it emboldens their fans to take similar steps.

Life is worth living, even on those dumpster fire days. The darkness can last a while, but it’s never forever. Every cycle ends, and better days return.

One of the best ways to keep yourself on the winning side of bipolar is to make peace with your medications. That’s our theme for this week, and the first part is below.

I’m finishing this on Saturday morning, and the extreme darkness from Wednesday seems to be gone. Taking the darkness out of my head into a note on my phone took away its power. If you’re having a dark day, take a few moments to write about it or draw your feelings in a doodle. Pulling things from your mind and onto paper is like turning a release valve. It may not fix everything, but it often lets some of the chaos go.

Thank you for reading my rambling today. I hope this week treats you well.

Reader, Thank you for

Until next time, keep fighting.

Scott Ninneman

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Bipolar Disorder and Making Peace with the Pill Bottle

Medication is a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it brings stability and quiets some of the chaos inside. A curse because it feels like a life sentence, a daily reminder that you’re fighting a mental illness.

I hate taking medicine. Every pill feels like a personal attack, even though I know that’s not true. The chemistry inside my brain is a little wonky and the pills help me balance things out.

A cartoon image of Papa Panda smiling and sitting at a table holding a glass of water in one paw and a white pill in the other.

Do you find your relationship with medication is complicated? Is there often a mix of gratitude, frustration, and a whole lot of sighing as you unscrew the child-proof cap every morning? You’re not alone.

There’s a form of grieving that comes with daily medication and a bit of confusion because the world sends you mixed messages. Society rarely judges someone for taking insulin to control their sugar, or for wearing glasses to see better. Yet, when it comes to mood stabilizers, suddenly everyone has an opinion. Too many think you should fix a complex neurological disorder with good vibes, prayer, and simple willpower.

For today, let’s look at this complicated relationship from a different angle. Imagine you are starting a garden. When you first plant flower seeds indoors to prepare for spring, you don’t just toss them on a cold table in the dark and yell, “Grow!” You give them peat pellets and seeding mix. You set up a warm grow light, and you give them water and food.

Helping those early seeds to sprout requires providing the right environment so they can thrive. You would never shame the seeds for needing water and light.

Your brain is much the same. The pills you take are not a punishment for being "broken." They are often the light and nourishment your mind needs to do its job. Those tiny helpers are the necessary nutrient that allows you to bloom.

If gardening isn't your thing, think of it like a tightrope walker. Suspended high above an excited audience, the performer carefully balances the long pole in their hands before taking the first step, making little adjustments with every move forward. Do they resent the pole? Maybe, but they know it’s the outside help they need to maintain their balance, and that balance can mean their life.

A cartoon image of a young panda using a bamboo pole to balance while playing on a log in his backyard. — Meds help you balance. | Image made by author with OpenArt.

Medication is your balancing pole.

For me, my realization of how my meds were happy didn’t come as a sudden flash of light. The grueling three years of trial and error felt endless as we tried one medication after another (over 30 in total). But then one day, it clicked that there was less noise in my head. I could focus enough to read a book and write coherent thoughts in my journal. I hated taking the pills but they were helping. Once that light came on, I never looked back.

Medication isn't an enemy coming along to turn you into a zombie or to dull your sparkle. It’s a helper to quiet the internal storms so you can actually hear your own thoughts. It’s a friend who gives you the freedom to be yourself, without the illness steering your course.

This week, we are moving past medication resistance. We are shifting the narrative from "I am sick, so I have to take these pills," to "I love my life, so I choose to fuel my brain."

When you accept your treatment plan, you stop fighting a war against yourself. You lay down your arms and gain a lot of peace. So the next time you pop open that bottle, try offering a tiny bit of gratitude. That tiny pill is a ladder helping you climb out of the dark.

You are doing the hard, necessary work of taking care of yourself. Be proud of that because it’s an essential act of self-love.

(The series continues tomorrow in Speaking Bipolar's Positivity Club.)

Journal Prompt

What is the biggest positive change medication has brought to your life? Write a short Thank You note to your meds for the specific things they allow you to do.

Speaking Bipolar's All Things Bipolar

Bipolar Disorder and Making Peace with the Pill Bottle

Bipolar Disorder and Making Peace with the Pill Bottle

Journal Prompt

Additional Reading:

Bipolar and the Importance of Sleep as Medicine

Bipolar Life: The Myth of the Cure and What to Focus on Instead

Finding Light in the Darkness: The Power of Gratitude