A crash is always a possibility after a period of pushing yourself too much, but I didn't expect to crash so hard. Leaving my job at the end of September put me under the crunch to get my new office set up and finish all my remaining tax returns before the October 15th deadline.

I got everything done, but it meant working more hours than I should have worked. To reward myself, I went and got a massage, which is usually a great thing. This one, though, triggered a migraine which kept me in bed for two days.

A couple of days later, I felt stronger, so I started the “Battle of the Leaves” in the yard. My yard is full of trees, many of them oak trees, so the leaves fall endlessly. I mulch most of the dried foliage, but I work every day to keep them off the driveway and walkway so I don't have to worry about my mom or any of my guests falling.

One day out in the yard, where I didn't feel like I worked too hard, left me completely immovable for the next two. My doctor suggested that I might now have chronic fatigue or long COVID, but whatever it is, it seems like when I push myself too hard, there are at least two days afterward where I can't do anything. I do not love this new reality.

All of this is to say that I'm sorry for taking an unexpected two-week pause. I wish I could say I was doing something fun, like walking the white sands of the Florida Panhandle beaches, but instead, I was mostly in bed.

On the days I felt a little better, I sat at my desk and worked on my bookkeeping accounts and completed a few online training sessions. In a customer service course, there was a section on emotional intelligence. I've always taken emotional intelligence to mean understanding the emotions of others, but apparently, it's even more important to recognize the emotions that you have yourself.

The more I think about that, it's true that with bipolar disorder we often don't know what we're feeling. Frustration can show up as anger, sadness can show up as intense fatigue, and guilt can cause such fear that we never go out in public.

It's important to understand our emotions so that we know how to cope with them. For this week, we'll be focusing on emotional intelligence in the Positivity Club. We’ll examine how your emotions might show up and what they mean. Part one is below.

In between periods of feeling bad, I found a few minutes to do a little painting. I don't love this one, but I’m learning with each picture. I painted this one while watching one of Rebel Unicorn Crafts' videos.

Instruction Video

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Cooler weather is finally setting in here in Southeast Tennessee, and while the change is refreshing, my body does not like the drop in mercury. The gift I have from working from home now is that I don't have to go out every day, and when I'm having a hard day, I can lie down for a while.

I hope you've been doing well, and that this week's deep dive into emotional intelligence helps you to understand yourself better. Thank you for your kindness and understanding and all the encouragement you sent during my time off. You guys and gals are the best.

Until next time, keep fighting.

Scott Ninneman

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Naming the Tangled Ball of Overwhelm

My life has been a flurry of activity for the last month or so. Between the rush to get my office set up and get all the tax returns done by October 15th, and then the extra work that comes with the falling leaves, it seems like there's something to do every minute of every day. It's no wonder that I crashed so hard the last few days.

Right before the crash, I was sitting at my desk one afternoon, where I was supposed to be reconciling a client's bank account. My brain refused to stay on task. I was thinking about the next week's theme for the Positivity Club, the date of my mom's next doctor's appointment, and the list of pre-winter tasks still not done in the yard. It was one of those moments where your brain feels like an internet browser and you've got about a hundred tabs open.

When a bipolar mind is overwhelmed, it often masquerades as a physical sensation. You may find it too challenging to prioritize tasks, feel every noise is too loud, or have a constant tightness in your chest. It's often impossible to articulate what you're feeling because you are feeling everything everywhere all at once.

It's kind of like having a big ball of knotted yarn. You can't unravel the whole ball at one time. Instead, you have to pick one thread, and work with that one until you find another one that you can set free. Or, if you think about it like the internet browser, it's about finishing the task on one tab before you look at any of the other 99.

Here's the thing: you don't have to identify every thread. When things get too loud, often the best thing to do is just unplug and reset. If that means spending a day or two in bed binge-watching your favorite show, then that's what you need to do. That's what I did, and I feel so much better for it.

If your body is sounding the alarm right now, you’re not failing. Your nervous system is just telling you it’s time to rest and reset, so take a break and get better.

How do you cope when you start feeling too much overwhelm? Do you try to untangle the yarn, or do you just shut the browser down and rest?

Journal Prompt

What does "overwhelm" physically feel like in your body? Where do you hold that tension?

Additional Reading:

• ​How to Recharge When Life Feels Overwhelming​
• ​Limitations, Chronic Illness, and Bipolar Disorder​
• ​What It's Like to Experience a Bipolar Mixed Episode​
• ​Archive Newsletters​